Why I Haven’t Been on YouTube

What started as a general lack of inspiration took a turn when on Saturday, April 29th, my mother suddenly passed away. My world has been turned upside down, my heart shattered, and I feel generally like I am living in a fog. I lived my actual nightmare, and haven’t quite found my footing yet. Especially in this context.

A little bit about my mom as she related to this whole blog/channel/YouTube thing…

I know how proud my mom was of my not-that-great but passionate collection of videos on YouTube. She would tell everyone, every time we went somewhere that her daughter was Amber Rae Beauty, and tell me how proud she was of me for it. Mom was constantly admiring whatever I had thrown on my face that day and started trying to do different techniques when we got together. She called me her Makeup geek, because she knew how much Marlena of MUG inspired me to care about makeup and ultimately share my love of beauty online.

While she was certainly flawed and complicated and never easy, the hole that has been left in my heart is irreparable. My mother was warm, bright, funny, an incredible listener, a woman who always had my back. The shock has been replaced by pure sadness, missing her, wishing I could hear her voice.

So, needless to say, it has been difficult to think about doing this. I also do not have time, as we have been very busy getting things in order after she left us without warning. Thank you for sticking around, if you have, and please know that my love for makeup has not faded. I just don’t have it in me right now and I thought it would be getting easier, but it hasn’t.

I am bouncing between abandoning all this and doing it harder than I ever have, I just need time to sort it out.


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